Ask Amy: Tenting journey may result in an extended break |


Dear Amy: I have been with my husband for 23 years. It took me many years to trust him due to his behavior in the past where he lied to me and dated other women.

Honestly, it took me over 20 years to finally trust him, but that was a mistake.

He recently started acting suspicious again.

In the past I never checked his phone but this time I decided to read his text messages.

He was planning to take a single woman camping for a weekend. He’s known her for a while.

She knows he’s married. We had a huge fight. He said he told her I said it was ok.

What middle-aged single woman would think any shade of that is okay?

I tried to reach her by phone and text. She never answered.

I let him go for the weekend so I could think about our relationship.

I am angry, hurt and feel betrayed.

I destroyed every card and 99 percent of my pictures of the two of us.

He says he doesn’t want a divorce. He says he wants me here with him.

He refuses advice.

Any suggestions?

– Sad and empty

Dear Sad: You seem very focused on what your husband says and what he pretends to want.

Since you don’t trust him at all, you shouldn’t trust his lame explanations or evasive statements. Nor should you judge a single woman for agreeing to go camping with your married husband. Why? Since he seems to be providing the information here, there is a reasonable possibility that she does not know that he is married or that he has told her that you are both separated or divorced.

All of your information about your husband’s behavior comes from him.

Over two decades with him should have taught you this: lies liars lie. They do. Your husband doesn’t seem particularly interested in a change either.

Take the time you need to grieve this relationship, but it’s also important to focus on what you want and need from now on. Life is short. You have the chance for a fresh start. The consultation will help you to clarify your options. Go to counseling without him.

Dear Amy: I am known as a baker in my family and I love to bake cookies, cakes and pastries for the holidays.

I also love to bake special holiday bread.

My husband recently got back in touch with a relative with special dietary needs (no sugar and gluten free) and he wants me to bake extra items (a dessert and bread) for every holiday event he attends.

While I’m not against alternative baking, I don’t really have the time (or desire) to make multiple alternative recipes for every occasion.

I have no problem buying some items for her from the local gluten free bakery to bring and I would be happy to do that.

am i being unreasonable

– Baker

Dear baker: If you’re hosting an event at your house where you deliver all the baked goodies, it would be thoughtful for you to include something that relative is sure to eat. Remember that everyone can eat sugar and gluten free foods. So maybe you can find a recipe that’s delicious and that everyone can eat without hesitation, saving you the trouble of doubling up on your baking.

If you’re supplying all the baked goods for an event away from home, then yes – it’s good for you to also bring something safe for that relative to eat. Homemade or store bought, who cares? It’s really the thought that counts.

Speaking of thoughts – because this is so important to your thoughtful husband, maybe he can take some of the responsibility for delivering these baked goods.

Dear Amy: I was amused by your reply to the “Please clean up!” letter from a woman about to move into her boyfriend’s small and extremely messy apartment.

You warned them about the red flags in a situation where you really should have warned HIM! He’s the one she tries relentlessly to change the second she moves in. He’s the one who gets cast as “Problem”. He is the one who will disappoint her constantly.

– Disappointed guy

Dear Disappointed: I assure you – if the letter in this situation had been written by the male partner, I would have warned him for the reasons you have given.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.